Friday Morning Cups

5198051616_IMG_3835.JPGSo, I’ve never posted a picture like this. It’s not in my comfort range of things to share. My body isn’t perfect (hello DR stomach that will never be normal again), but I’m OK with it. I’ve had two sweet babies and my body has proved itself again and again.

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I’m constantly told that I’m so lucky to be the size that I am. That folks would love to be my size. If I could profit off of everybody that told me how lucky I am, how they wished for my size, what am I doing, how do I eat, and the worst- I must not eat anything at all (which as a recovering anorexic is just lovely to hear 🙄), I would be a rich person. I hear constantly that I shouldn’t complain about this or that because overall I’m petite.

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Let me tell you something- just because I’m a smaller size doesn’t mean anything. I’m a fairly confident person and don’t often have moments of insecurity, but there are times that I feel iffy about my body. I work out regularly, I make sure that I fuel my body appropriately (and that doesn’t mean I don’t eat popcorn or candy every once in a while), and I have been blessed with some good genes. I am well aware of my size and how that is viewed, but newsflash, I still have my moments.

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Body confidence, body positivity, body issues are across the board. It doesn’t matter what your size or shape is, everyone is entitled to (and will probably at some point) feel insecure. And when someone is feeling insecure, we shouldn’t invalidate their feelings by telling them they shouldn’t feel that way because guess what…insecurity hits everyone. We are all beautiful, but we all have our moments. Let’s recognize that, cut the crap comments, and be supportive.

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Real Talk: Body Image

This is a rather sensitive topic for me, given my own issues, but I really want to talk about our body image. While we were on vacation, I was sitting outside in this little pair of short shorts and a tank top that I would have normally felt a little self conscious in. As I was sitting there, honestly marveling at the fact that I was once again in a clear headspace to wear what I was wearing (and not immediately freak out), I had a moment to just think. Think about body image, body positivity, confidence, etc. 

Let’s be completely honest, no matter how confident you are, how comfortable you are within your own skin, we all have those moments. Moments where we second guess how we look. Whether what we are wearing really compliments our body, or if it highlights that one area you feel can never get back to where it was. It happens to everyone, men & women, at any age. 

In fact, I challenge anyone to be able to say that they have been confident and comfortable in their own skin all their life. If you are, that is awesome! I am not. I have not been that many a time. 

The self criticism is hard to fight and I’m not going to sit hear and say, oh love your body the way it is. The fact of the matter is, we all have those moments and that’s OK! I feel like these days, there is such a push of body positivity, loving our bodies, celebrating them. That’s all well and good, but it’s not always realistic. I don’t always love my body and I am not going to sit here and tell you that you must love your body.

It’s OK to not be happy about how your body looks, just like it’s ok to be perfectly content with how your body looks. It’s also ok to feel a bit of both.

I typically lie right in the middle of those two trains of thought. I love 75% of the way my body looks, but there are a couple of things I wish I could change. That is just how I feel. Is some of that simply just that little negative voice in my head (I’m sure you know the one I am talking about)? Yes. Am I working on changing what I can? Yes (and more importantly, I am doing it in a healthy way). So, why do I care about how I actually look in that particular outfit? Am I going to look any different in a different outfit? Maybe, but who cares. I felt so good lying in the sun, relaxing, watching our older boy run around in the grass. Why should I let thoughts of what anyone else (aside from my husband), including that negative little voice in my head, destroy that feeling?

So, what I really want anyone reading this to get, is that it’s OK to not be happy with your body and it’s ok to be body confident. What is more important to keep in mind is that no matter how you feel about your body, you can’t let that stop you from enjoying life. Wear what you want- do what you want. Have a little dress, or in my case, that pair of short shorts and wear it!

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Surprise…Time to be Vulnerable

I contemplated whether this was even going to be a post that I would share. I was shaky just typing this. So much so, that it wasn’t even on my radar, scheduled in my line up or anything. It was half written on my desktop just staring at me (or as much as a lifeless document in a lifeless computer can do so). You see, this is something that I’ve spoken to some people about or some people may have inferred this just from knowing me, but I don’t really speak on it publicly, so I would say 90% of the people who know me don’t know this about me.

I am incredibly good at hiding this part of me (after many many many years of practice now), so if you have no clue what I am about to talk about, don’t feel bad. I don’t speak about it for several reasons and honestly I don’t really know why I am now nor do I really know where/how this post will go. If you’re reading this, then well here we go.

Most of the posts that we see relating to our bodies is all about body positivity and loving ourselves just as we are- in fact I’ll be touching on these subjects this coming month as the spring and summer seasons near. I am 100% ok with the whole body positivity and body empowerment and am all about loving your body exactly as it is, BUT I feel really drawn to sharing a story about myself. I would feel fraudulent speaking in May about body image and such without sharing the whole story and I figured now was as good a time as any.

I have struggled with an Eating Disorder.

I Still do.

For me it started as a desire to control the one thing I felt I could control at a very toxic, dysfunctional, chaotic time of my life. The obsession with my body later came shortly after. At the time, I simply felt so wildly out of control in my regular day to day, that I needed something to have total control over. That became my food. It didn’t even matter what I was eating, as long as I could control when, how much, and have total say over every aspect I felt better. Some days I wouldn’t eat anything at all. Somewhere deep down I knew that it wasn’t right, but it felt so much better and that was all that mattered.

About 4 months or so in I noticed a change in my body. I had been working out here and there and controlling everything that I ate, some days not eating anything at all. The little bit of weight I had put on after stopping a rigorous athletic activity had come off and then some. That was when everything turned for the worse. I have a very light, thin frame and most people are probably reading saying: “C’mon another thin girl, you don’t put on weight, are always so small, etc”, but for me I instantly noticed when my body was slimmer, the hips shrunk down a little, my tummy firmed back up. My mind had put two and two together and that is when the obsession started to go further than simply just needing to control something in my life.

I would go up and down, going back and forth between not eating a lot to pigging out and then promptly working out like crazy. I tended to stay more on the side of either not eating or not eating anywhere near enough. Anorexia. I became a professional hider and would hide everything from everyone and would go to great lengths to appear “normal”. Family trips or vacations I would act and eat like any other person would and then “pay” for it later on after getting home. As long as I looked “normal”. This is one aspect that I still struggle with now when I am having hard days.

I was at my worst for about 2 years. It’s now 11 1/2 years from starting down that unhealthy road. I won’t get into all of the details of what works for me or how I started healing in this post because I feel like this is already a really long post as it is. What works for me may not work for anyone else. That is the nature of eating disorders. Also, what worked for me at my worst is different from what works for me now. I’m at a different point in my life so my recovery has altered with where I am at now.

While I am definitely at my healthiest now (both mentally and physically) and have been overall for a little over 7 years, I still have struggles all the time. Some days are much much worse than others, but I have an amazing support system around me (even if they don’t realize it) and I have the tools to deal with those days-which are more frequent than I truly care to admit. I know that this is going to be an ongoing journey and struggle and I am trying to be more open about it.

So that’s it. Feels weird getting to the end of this post. I’m sure this has just been all over the place. If you’ve read all the way through, thank you for reading.

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