Hitting a Road Block

Like any other person, I have my moments. I have my days, sometimes even my weeks. No one’s life is always perfect and I DO NOT want to even begin to portray that. I have always said that the biggest thing that I strive for (in all aspects of my life) is honesty. Always authentic and always 100% honest in what I share. This is my real life and when I have a hard time I don’t want to sugarcoat that or fake those very real bits of life. Sharing those moments is hard, but I feel like it is so so important so that we don’t get caught up in the wave that can be portrayed everywhere you look of perfection.

Life is a roller coaster ride. Some points are really low. Sometimes you have quite a hill to climb to get out of those low moments. This past week was that low point. 

I am a person who thrives on organization almost across the board (fun fact, the only exception to this is when we go on vacation). I can “go with the flow” at times, but mostly I thrive on having a general/rough outline of what is going on. I thrive on writing down my to do list every morning and checking off each thing as I go along. I thrive when I have a plan of action and when I can move forward with that plan of action. It is something that can be such a positive and something that I have really worked to my benefit over my life. 

Now, you may be wondering how this can be a downfall. Being organized, able to create a plan of action and get s*** done is a positive, right?

Not always.

For me, I struggle when I get a wrench thrown into things. When my rough outline of a day gets messed up due to whatever happened. And sometimes, that wrench that can really just mess with my head. Depending on what happens and how much it effects (what I have in my head as) my rough outline will depend on what my reaction level is. 

This is so hard for me to admit because I work really hard to balance so many different things in my life. To balance them perfectly so that every part of my life, and myself, gets what it needs. I’ve touched before about how hard, almost impossible, it is and how at some points things are going to go to the wayside. I didn’t take my own advice this past week to just let one thing go so I could be successful all around. 

So, what happened to make this a low point? It almost seemed like just everything was set against the week. Computer issues, Internet issues, getting caught up after a vacation, getting sick, and then the kids getting sick. I think around Wednesday, my positive attitude started really slipping and then by Thursday it was completely gone. I had pretty much given up on the week come Thursday afternoon. 

Giving up that positive attitude and that attempt to get all the things handled may have been a really hard decision (for me personally), but it is what saved my weekend. I wallowed and just sat in that misery for all of Thursday. Sometimes that is exactly what is needed in order to get to the climb to get out of the low point. And honestly, I did feel a little bit better when Friday morning came around. 

I took the weekend to just relax and just be in the moment. Since I had “given up” on the week, I took all that extra time to snuggle with the kids, obsess over the Royal Wedding (although I was going to that regardless), and just enjoy the sensation of “letting go”. To remember the advice that I’ve said time and time again about taking time to not have to do everything. 

I’ve learned some hard lessons this past week. I’ve had some lessons re affirmed, some new lessons learned, and have just had a chance to remember what I really want from my everyday.

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Real Talk: Body Image

This is a rather sensitive topic for me, given my own issues, but I really want to talk about our body image. While we were on vacation, I was sitting outside in this little pair of short shorts and a tank top that I would have normally felt a little self conscious in. As I was sitting there, honestly marveling at the fact that I was once again in a clear headspace to wear what I was wearing (and not immediately freak out), I had a moment to just think. Think about body image, body positivity, confidence, etc. 

Let’s be completely honest, no matter how confident you are, how comfortable you are within your own skin, we all have those moments. Moments where we second guess how we look. Whether what we are wearing really compliments our body, or if it highlights that one area you feel can never get back to where it was. It happens to everyone, men & women, at any age. 

In fact, I challenge anyone to be able to say that they have been confident and comfortable in their own skin all their life. If you are, that is awesome! I am not. I have not been that many a time. 

The self criticism is hard to fight and I’m not going to sit hear and say, oh love your body the way it is. The fact of the matter is, we all have those moments and that’s OK! I feel like these days, there is such a push of body positivity, loving our bodies, celebrating them. That’s all well and good, but it’s not always realistic. I don’t always love my body and I am not going to sit here and tell you that you must love your body.

It’s OK to not be happy about how your body looks, just like it’s ok to be perfectly content with how your body looks. It’s also ok to feel a bit of both.

I typically lie right in the middle of those two trains of thought. I love 75% of the way my body looks, but there are a couple of things I wish I could change. That is just how I feel. Is some of that simply just that little negative voice in my head (I’m sure you know the one I am talking about)? Yes. Am I working on changing what I can? Yes (and more importantly, I am doing it in a healthy way). So, why do I care about how I actually look in that particular outfit? Am I going to look any different in a different outfit? Maybe, but who cares. I felt so good lying in the sun, relaxing, watching our older boy run around in the grass. Why should I let thoughts of what anyone else (aside from my husband), including that negative little voice in my head, destroy that feeling?

So, what I really want anyone reading this to get, is that it’s OK to not be happy with your body and it’s ok to be body confident. What is more important to keep in mind is that no matter how you feel about your body, you can’t let that stop you from enjoying life. Wear what you want- do what you want. Have a little dress, or in my case, that pair of short shorts and wear it!

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A Week Away…These are the Moments

This past week we went on the first of our two summer vacations. This first one was a special one as we decided to take a somewhat “spontaneous” trip to see some family. I say somewhat spontaneous as this was not in our original plans for this year, but rather we decided it about a month to a month and a half out. 

We’ve got family getting ready to move out of the country for a little bit and this was going to be the last chance to really get to see them and have the entire family together. It was also a good chance to get the boys together with their cousins and for us to just get a little bit of a break. We loaded up the car and headed on our way…

However crazy this past week has been between teething, sleeping, noise, and food, it was so so SO much fun! I always love being around family and it is such a blast to watch all of the grandkids playing together. The boys had so much fun playing with their cousins and ALL of the toys. They got to not only play with new toys, but the amount of learning that happens with that is so good.

We had fun getting away from work and catching up with family. It is good to just be able to disengage from your normal. To be able to break out of that routine and just breathe easy for a little while. Not have to almost rush through your days to get everything done, everyone fed and happy. It was nice to just focus on the boys and my husband for the week. 

It is so important to be able to get this time away; not only for my husband and I, but for our children as well. They can pick up on so many tiny little emotions and while they may not understand what it means, they can understand when Mommy and Daddy are tired/stressed/have a lot going on. They also then get stuck into these little ruts and getting out of that routine, even for only a couple of days (less than the week we did this time) is good for everyone.

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To My Boys Who Made Me A Mom

To my boys who made me a mom-

I’m going to go all mushy and disorganized here for a minute-although what else is new?

Sure this day may be all about appreciating Mothers and all that they do, but I want to take a minute for the boys (and my husband) who actually made me a mother.

When we first found out I was pregnant with our first, there was a nervous excitement. This was what we had wanted. What we prayed for. What would change our lives forever. We experienced that same feeling (then followed by a whole lot of sickness) with our second.

While I may remember what life was like before kids, I can’t imagine our lives without these two. These boys are the lights of our lives. They have brought such a happiness to our family and home. Watching them grow and learn has been the greatest joy of my day to day.

I love you both so incredibly much (so much so, sometimes it hurts) and thank you for letting me be your mom. For giving me the ultimate blessing of motherhood. I will always be there and will always work hard to be the best mom I can be for you.

To my husband- I couldn’t do this without you. Aside from the obvious biological reasons, I couldn’t imagine raising these boys or living our little life we’ve made without you.

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Motherhood.

Your whole world changes. You hear the heartbeat on the Ultrasound. You feel those light little kicks in your belly. Those first few contractions and signs of labour. Hearing the cry of your child for the first time. All those months of growing, planning, preparing and suddenly there he is. That little boy that you had once dreamed of having. Tears slowly start to fall from a cocktail of hormones, relief, joy, love, exhaustion, and a little bit of pure happiness mixed in. I remember both of those moments like it was just one minute ago. I remember the moment when the boys went from being a movement in my belly to a baby on my chest. Each time my life (and my husband’s) drastically changed.

I would not change it for the world. 

Motherhood is giving your whole life, your whole being over to someone else. Each of my boys has a piece of me that I will never get back. I love that and I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. Not on the days that my patience is put to the test. Not on the days where I feel like I’ve failed them. Not on the days where I know I could give just a little bit more. Because that is Motherhood. 

I say all of the above, and now I’m going to say that Motherhood is not just taking care of your children. No, it is taking care of everything and everyone. Motherhood is becoming selfless in almost all senses. 

{I say almost because I still 100% believe that you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others and to do that you must be selfish at some points.}

It is taking care of your children, your home, your significant other, yourself. It is learning how to balance all that life has to offer, to not only survive, but thrive in. It is learning how to fill your cup up while filling up others as well. It is finding your voice and using it. It is becoming the strongest person that you (and your spouse/children) know. It is about finding the good moments even when it seems like everything is rough. It is all these things and many more. 

For all of that, I salute any mother. Right now, I say thank you. Thank you for everything that you do. 

There is something that just clicked when I became a mother. Everything fell into place and even though I struggled (and boy did I struggle with our first), I knew, inherently, that I was doing exactly what I was meant to be doing. I was blessed with these little boys; to raise them, guide them, be there for them. It’s only the second time I have felt this overwhelming true feeling. 

It’s scary as hell, knowing that you are responsible for these little beings. That they are wholly dependent on you for a time, and at times I sure have wondered if I’m doing everything right. I’ve had plenty of moments of questioning myself, feeling like I’ve failed at one aspect or another, but in those moments I just try to remember that this is what I’ve been meant to do. 

I firmly believe that we are given no more than what we can handle. That even when life and things seem so overwhelming, that we can handle it. So, we carry on and move forward. We put our heads down and get through the rough phases because we know, that not only can we handle it, but that the other side of this phase is going to be wonderful. We try to survive and thrive in the rough phases and sit back and enjoy the smooth phases. 

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How to Travel with Two Active Boys and a Dog…

Don’t. Haha, I kid I kid…maybe 😉

Seriously though this past weekend we took quite the drive and with two very active kids and an equally active dog, it was quite the adventure. I’m going to just keep referring to it as an adventure because that is the positive spin that I can put on what those 8 or so hours were. 

{Disclaimer: they weren’t actually all that bad. Only about 1 hour of it total was pushing our limits}

In all reality, it wasn’t the worst. We plugged a DVD player in for our oldest and while that wasn’t enough to keep him occupied, it did enough so that when he was starting to get fed up it was “minimal” and short lived. I totally get his frustration, because who likes to be cooped up in a car for a long period of time? Even if you like road trips, like the idea of jumping in a car and just going (which we do), it does get tedious after a while. It also is hard on your body and being in a carseat restrains the ability to stretch out or change position even more. 

For our younger son, it was the first time that he was really “alert” for a trip like this. The last time we took a road trip like this was Thanksgiving time period and he was a) still in the infant bucket car seat and b) still taking a decent amount of naps/less likely to be fussy with the lack of the ability to move around. For this trip, he is definitely more alert, more mobile, and more vocal in his “displeasure”. He still takes two good chunky naps though, so that was on our side. Honestly, overall he did really great! He just cruised along, snoozed when he wanted, cried out for toys or food, and just watched the dog settle, and the traffic go past. 

We did get out of the car for about 15 minutes or so when we only had a couple hours of driving time left. It seems like this is around the time that the boys are just completely fed up and done with carseats, the car, and traveling. Getting out, walking around, getting changed seems to always do the trick. We all get back in the car ready to get the last couple hours done. 

On the whole, it seems that this whole car ride bit is manageable for us and I feel much better about the next couple car rides we’ve got coming up this summer. 

So what I have I learned from our latest adventure? That going with the flow is really the majority of what you can do in these situations. Kids are more resilient than you think. And that even though moments may push your limits, looking at the bigger picture, knowing that there is an end, can be all you need to get through the rest. 

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Raising Boys Episode 1: What I Didn’t Fully Appreciate

When we found out we were expecting our first, and that it was going to be a boy, we were inundated with helpful little tips, tricks, and ideas on what our like would start to be like. Of course, we had both been around children before and had a general idea of what raising our little blessing(s) would be. Then when we were expecting our second boy, again, a new level of tips and tricks of what having multiple children (especially boys) would be like. 

Fast forward about 2.5-3 years and we have actual knowledge of what raising our little blessing(s) is like. For the most part the actuality followed along with what our general idea was, but there are a few things that I feel like I hadn’t fully understood, until we had two boys. I figured this would be a fun little way to talk about the partially unexpected things that I have discovered along the way. 

Now, a couple of things before we begin. You may have seen some of these before, but I’m going to repeat them because they are true (and I didn’t fully appreciate that fact). While most of these are my experience with raising two boys, I am not going to be talking about the whole concept of anatomy when it comes to boys. I haven’t fully encountered those situations yet so maybe I’ll talk about that in a later posting? I do not plan on this being a one off thing. I think it would be fun to do these every once in a while just to see how things change, how the boys grow, and how my take on this changes. 

I will also say that at the time of this 1st edition, my boys are 2 years (and a couple months change) and 10 months old. 

  1. The noise level is beyond your imagination. I thought I knew noise. I thought I understand noise. I didn’t. To be honest, I’m fairly positive that this is just a general kid thing, but holy moly we have a very loud house at this point in time. Maybe at some point, our oldest will stop running laps around the house yelling at the top of his lungs, and the main communication between both boys will not be screeching. Maybe. 
  2. The energy level is beyond my wildest dreams. Again, this is probably just a general kid thing, but I swear our oldest just has some hidden unlimited store. He could rival the Energizer Bunny. Nothing seems to put a dent in that hidden energy store. He will spend an hour just running laps through our upper level and be completely fine. Our younger one isn’t quite up to his level, but he is getting there as well. I am awaiting the day that we can start to put them in sports, because I think they will both love them and hopefully it will use up some of that energy!
  3. The “fear factor” is non existent. There is not a lot that phases or scares either of our boys. They just go full speed ahead to whatever, whether that is climbing on the couch or running down a hill or wrestling with each other (yes we’ve already entered the wrestling phase- ugh). The wrestling one is the one that I watch a little closer as our youngest is still a little young for all the craziness, but they both really love it. And again, no fear when it comes to any of it. This was a hard one for my momma heart to adjust to, but it just kind of comes with our territory. 
  4. The amount of love they have to give is incredible. Boys are seriously just the sweetest. They catch in those unsuspecting moments and just melt your heart away. I am continuously in awe watching the two of them bond and just give love not only to each other, or to us, but to everyone around them. Our oldest just smiles and talks to almost anyone (we are starting to work on the whole concept of strangers), and our youngest is starting to warm up to people. It just warms my soul. 

So that is what I’ve got for the first edition! Have there been any bits of advice that you got that you didn’t full appreciate until you had kids? I’d love to hear them!

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Having a Ball – These Are The Moments

Every once in a while it is vital to take a step back, step away from the hum drum and routine of life and do something special. For marriage it is so important to take some time to just be a spouse for a little while, instead of a parent and a spouse. We can get so sucked into the routine of every day and almost just going through the paces of life that we forget or end up neglecting some aspects of that life. 

This past week was so insane between all of our schedules and what was going on, that by the end of it, I definitely needed a good amount one on one time with my husband. Some time to take my mom hat off and just be a wife. Luckily we got to have a little bit of a formal date night as we attended a ball! This gave us the perfect chance to get all gussied up (something we rarely actually do) and have a little alone time! We sent the boys to our friends (and neighbors!), so we even got that parenting break. 

I realized that it had actually been so long since we had any sort of real date night. Our normal little weekly date nights that I’ve talked about had fallen to the wayside with our schedules, and we really just needed some time to each other. To be able to connect, to talk without our 2 year old interrupting, to just be husband and wife for a little bit. 

There is something so special about that bond between a husband and wife. It is always there and always present, but still needs to be nurtured. A garden can’t bloom without being watered regularly (how many times have you heard something similar in regards to marriage lol) and it was time that our garden got a little more water. 

I have to say, being able to come home after the ball, lay on the couch and not have to worry about a baby crying, our toddler waking up early, or realistically anything other than just laying on that couch with my husband was pretty fantastic. I also have to say, after the week that we have both had, being able to connect like that, was so special and so important. 

When we woke up on Saturday morning (absolutely exhausted by the way), I knew that we had gotten exactly what we needed. Yes, I woke up with an immediate desire to see our children, but I also woke up in a comfort state. The one that is a lazy morning, snuggled up with the person that I love most in the world. It has made all the difference in the world, not just for me as a wife, but me as a person and me as a mom. 

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Surprise…Time to be Vulnerable

I contemplated whether this was even going to be a post that I would share. I was shaky just typing this. So much so, that it wasn’t even on my radar, scheduled in my line up or anything. It was half written on my desktop just staring at me (or as much as a lifeless document in a lifeless computer can do so). You see, this is something that I’ve spoken to some people about or some people may have inferred this just from knowing me, but I don’t really speak on it publicly, so I would say 90% of the people who know me don’t know this about me.

I am incredibly good at hiding this part of me (after many many many years of practice now), so if you have no clue what I am about to talk about, don’t feel bad. I don’t speak about it for several reasons and honestly I don’t really know why I am now nor do I really know where/how this post will go. If you’re reading this, then well here we go.

Most of the posts that we see relating to our bodies is all about body positivity and loving ourselves just as we are- in fact I’ll be touching on these subjects this coming month as the spring and summer seasons near. I am 100% ok with the whole body positivity and body empowerment and am all about loving your body exactly as it is, BUT I feel really drawn to sharing a story about myself. I would feel fraudulent speaking in May about body image and such without sharing the whole story and I figured now was as good a time as any.

I have struggled with an Eating Disorder.

I Still do.

For me it started as a desire to control the one thing I felt I could control at a very toxic, dysfunctional, chaotic time of my life. The obsession with my body later came shortly after. At the time, I simply felt so wildly out of control in my regular day to day, that I needed something to have total control over. That became my food. It didn’t even matter what I was eating, as long as I could control when, how much, and have total say over every aspect I felt better. Some days I wouldn’t eat anything at all. Somewhere deep down I knew that it wasn’t right, but it felt so much better and that was all that mattered.

About 4 months or so in I noticed a change in my body. I had been working out here and there and controlling everything that I ate, some days not eating anything at all. The little bit of weight I had put on after stopping a rigorous athletic activity had come off and then some. That was when everything turned for the worse. I have a very light, thin frame and most people are probably reading saying: “C’mon another thin girl, you don’t put on weight, are always so small, etc”, but for me I instantly noticed when my body was slimmer, the hips shrunk down a little, my tummy firmed back up. My mind had put two and two together and that is when the obsession started to go further than simply just needing to control something in my life.

I would go up and down, going back and forth between not eating a lot to pigging out and then promptly working out like crazy. I tended to stay more on the side of either not eating or not eating anywhere near enough. Anorexia. I became a professional hider and would hide everything from everyone and would go to great lengths to appear “normal”. Family trips or vacations I would act and eat like any other person would and then “pay” for it later on after getting home. As long as I looked “normal”. This is one aspect that I still struggle with now when I am having hard days.

I was at my worst for about 2 years. It’s now 11 1/2 years from starting down that unhealthy road. I won’t get into all of the details of what works for me or how I started healing in this post because I feel like this is already a really long post as it is. What works for me may not work for anyone else. That is the nature of eating disorders. Also, what worked for me at my worst is different from what works for me now. I’m at a different point in my life so my recovery has altered with where I am at now.

While I am definitely at my healthiest now (both mentally and physically) and have been overall for a little over 7 years, I still have struggles all the time. Some days are much much worse than others, but I have an amazing support system around me (even if they don’t realize it) and I have the tools to deal with those days-which are more frequent than I truly care to admit. I know that this is going to be an ongoing journey and struggle and I am trying to be more open about it.

So that’s it. Feels weird getting to the end of this post. I’m sure this has just been all over the place. If you’ve read all the way through, thank you for reading.

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My Morning Routine: Spring 2018

I thought I would finish out this whole Spring/Morning series with a little look at what my own morning looks like. My mornings are very strategically planned out so that I get a chance to get a little “me time” along with a healthy start and outlook to my day. I find that when I get to have that extra little bit of time, I have a much better day and a clearer mindset. 

So to start off my day, I tend to wake up around 5:45-6:00am. This gives me about 2 1/2 hours before the kids are up. The first thing I do is grab a bit of water and head down for a workout. Screen Shot 2018-03-26 at 10.10.13 AMI like to start my morning off with a workout because I feel like it releases those endorphins, gets my blood and body moving, and I get one of my priorities out of the way. Typically this is about a 30 minute workout and then I’m done.

Once I finish my workout, I get a shower and get ready for the day. Some people think that it is crazy to put on jeans/regular clothes and makeup when I typically don’t leave the house. For me, it is simply a mental change. If I am wearing a full outfit and such, then I will actually get things done for the day. If I stay in sweats, I have a much less productive day. It’s just a personal choice. 

At this point it is typically around 7:30am and it is time to get breakfast. For breakfast I will have anything from cereal, to a bagel, to what I had today, which was a scrambled eggs mixture. I think this is probably one of my favorite meals to make as it satisfies everything I want in the morning- eggs, carbs, and spiciness. I also make my first cup of tea of the day. 

While I eat my breakfast I typically read whatever book that I am reading currently and I look over my to-do list and schedule for the day. I like to take this time to just enjoy my food, tea, and the peace and quiet of the house. This is my morning ritual. The ritual of making my tea, breakfast and then getting to sit down and enjoy it with my book and planner. More than anything, this is what sets my day on the right track. Everything else just helps. Once the boys are up, there is no such thing as quiet, so I like to enjoy it when I get it. 

The boys are typically up around 8:30 at that ends the little bit of quiet and relaxation I get until bedtime! I do love waking them up though because they both always wake up with a smile on their faces. The happiness just radiates and is perfect! 

Do you have any morning ritual? What does your morning look like?

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