A Raw Moment In Motherhood

This isn’t “fed is best” or “breast is better”. This isn’t a Postpartum Depression post. I touch on both of those in this post, and they may be something I touch on in the future, but for now I just want to be open about what I experienced as a new mom in the hopes that sharing my story will help others who have been through this and also help me feel a bit of closure about it.

When we got pregnant with our first, I wanted to breast feed. There wasn’t even a thought or discussion of doing anything else. It was just a decision. Breastfeeding and then pumping a bit her and there for my husband to do a bottle or if I needed a break.

I was so sure about breastfeeding the thought that I would not physically be able to had never even crossed my mind. Our bodies are truly something incredible with the abilities that are built in when it comes to our children.  I had grown this little child from a small seed to a full baby (all 41 one weeks of my pregnancy) and I felt so strong in my own body and it’s capabilities.

We first started to see problems when he was about 2 weeks old. Our sweet easy going newborn became different. He just didn’t seem to “fill up” with a full belly. I would nurse him for what seemed like a long time, both sides, just for him to be hungry an hour or so later. It just seemed like we were struggling. I knew that part of this was part of a growth spurt (after hours of online searching) and tried to go with it for about a week.

At the tale end of 3 weeks old (on the cusp of 4 weeks), I decided offhand to go ahead and just try and pump and give him a bottle of pumped breastmilk. I was exhausted and somewhere deep down just knew that something wasn’t right. The moment I started pumping, I knew. It became even clearer after the first 2 or 3 pumping sessions. I should have been producing more. I knew that pumping wasn’t ideal for getting milk out (thank you google), but after going back and forth with breast and pumping, I also knew that there was no way he was getting much more the natural way either.

***Now, let me clarify something before everyone jumps in with comments. I tried EVERYTHING. I took every supplement, herb, tea, diet plan, anything that I read could even have a smidge of helping us out. I researched the hell out of breast feeding, pumping, power pumping, increasing supply, etc. You name it, I tried it. I’ll get into that in a minute, but we will just say I pushed beyond what I should have pushed to make this work. Again, this post is NOT ABOUT THAT.***

I cannot even begin to put into words the feeling that comes with the knowledge that your body is failing you at something. Something that you should be able to do, that is built into our bodies and you cannot do it. Very rarely am I at this loss for words and on this, this I have no words.

This alone feeling was different from the times I felt it before (with my abuse and trauma). There wasn’t anyone that I felt like I could talk to about it, that would really actually understand how I FELT rather than just say why don’t you do this, or this will help (which honestly doesn’t help when you have a woman on the verge of tears at every second), or the worst, this is obviously not working for you. I felt so so alone, like I was fighting a very solo battle.

***I did have a very strong support group in my husband and our family, but nothing can replace the feeling of having just ONE person say, “hey I’ve been there. I know how you feel”. ***

It was a never ending, physically and mentally painful experience. It is something no one prepares you for. Something no one even thinks to talk about. Something those going through it don’t know who they can talk to about it.

I pushed my body past its breaking point, in both a physical and mental state. I was doing everything I could to pump any bit that I could do, while simultaneously trying to balance my infant, work, home and myself. I beat myself up over and over wondering why. Why was my body letting me down. Why was this the one thing I could not do. I had seen all those posts of those moms who had breastfed so easily, you see them more than anything else, why was I struggling?

I finally switched over to formula for him at 3 months. I was broken. I felt like I was constantly fighting. Fighting my own body, fighting my own mind (hello Postpartum Depression), and I was tired. I felt like I had failed my child, failed my family, failed myself. It took me a full year to feel better. To know that even though I couldn’t do this one thing didn’t mean that I failed. It didn’t mean anything less for my children. Didn’t lessen me as a person or a mother.

And it doesn’t lessen you either. Motherhood is a beautiful time of trials (physically and mentally), of taking care of yourself and your new child, of blessings, of new adventures. No matter how we are doing this, what our bodies can do is incredible. What we can do is incredible. Don’t be afraid to let go of what you thought motherhood was going to be and embrace what it is. I wish I had done that earlier on in our first year of parenting.

 

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A Mother’s Take on Toddlerhood (While In The Thick of It)

As of writing this post, our boys are aged 2 months shy of 3 years old and 16 months. So, right smack in the middle of what Toddlerhood is. While each age comes with unique challenges, I think toddlerhood can sometimes get an especially bad rep. When you hear from other parents talking about their experience, I’ve heard toddler and teenage years can be some of the hardest years. Personally, I think toddlerhood is just very mis understood. Not in a bad way, it can be so hard for us to understand as it has been years since we went through it and we don’t remember it. I think this may have been one of the most important shifts in thinking when it comes to parenting.

***I’ve touched slightly on an outline of what I will be saying, which can be viewed HERE***

As parents when our kids are acting out, misbehaving, throwing temper tantrum after temper tantrum, it is very easy to become flustered. Happens to the best of us, and it is completely normal to just want to throw your hands in the air and walk away. AND sometimes that is the best thing to do. Sometimes that can be the key to diffusing whatever the situation is.  It can be easy to lose our patience as we ask for the toys to be picked up for the fourteenth time, or to not play with the food, or to not touch something. It can be so draining to feel like you are just repeating yourself with no action or apparent listening. I think this is why people say toddler hood is tough.

And it is.I am not disputing the fact that parenting one toddler, let alone two, or three is tough. It is draining. (Make sure that you take care of yourself during this time, otherwise everything I say after this point will not work)

BUT(gotta love those buts right?!)…

If we think it is hard on us as parents, think about how hard it is on our children. They are being thrust into a whole new level of mental development, they are growing physically, they are trying to figure out how to navigate the world that just seems to be getting bigger and scarier. They are trying to figure out what are boundary lines, what they can and can’t do. How to articulate their feelings, hell what they are feeling. They are working on developing better communication skills and most of the time are bursting with things to say, things to do, places to see, parents/grandparents/relatives/friends to remember. ALL AT THE AGE OF 2.

Can you blame them for getting frustrated with not being able to say something, or talk about something that they really want to tell you, but they just don’t have all the words? Can you blame them when all they want to do is find the toy that they hid from themselves in a game? Or try to put the train tracks together a certain way and it’s just not working?

Imagine feeling angry about something, not being able to understand first that you are feeling angry and then second how to tell someone what you are feeling angry about? That is frustrating. Then imagine, as you are getting frustrated and angry, you see your parent, loved one, person you look up to, start to get frustrated. It escalates quickly (and again, it happens to all of us from time to time, no doubt about it).

Our children get thrust into this world and it is our responsibility as parents to help them, to guide them, as they learn. We cannot do that if we don’t at least try to understand what they must be going through. What we see as well, he’s angry about x, y, or z, is not what they see. They just have all of these things building up inside with no way to let them out. We only know that because we’ve learned that as we’ve grown up.

So, before you talk about the terrible two’s or the threenagers, try and think about what your children are experiencing. Sure, parenting is hard work. It is tough and draining. BUT think about what it is like through your child’s eyes, without having all of the knowledge that we as parents (or adults) now have.

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A Different Kind of Tired

If you follow me on any of my Social Media you may have already picked up on this, but the past few weeks have been no joke. They’ve been rough. It hasn’t been anything inherently bad, just routine life, but it’s just been a constant of life that’s stretched me thin.

Before we get too far into this, I did take a little “break” and did some self care that I haven’t really been able to get in, so I will not be so stretched thin and can “recuperate” a little. I am doing so much better now, which is referenced at the end of the post.

 I was talking with my husband one night and I found myself saying “I’m just so tired”. This was a pretty good sign to me as to where I was at. How I was feeling and what was going on. His response though? “Why don’t you go to bed then” A logical response to what I had actually said, but I knew that going to bed wasn’t really the answer, just like being physically tired wasn’t what was wrong. Yes, I was physically tired, and yes, going to bed would have probably helped, but it wasn’t the larger issue.

There is a different kind of “tired” when you are a mom. The feeling of just being so worn out emotionally and mentally. We say tired because with this feeling we can feel physically tired, but the root of that is really just our mental and emotional state. It usually comes at a point when we just simply need a break from “being a mom”. We need to have an adult conversation, an adult beverage, or -honestly- an adult only restroom break.

Being a mom (and a parent) means being constantly there when your kids are there. Yes, there are times when we step away and do dishes, or write, or read, or make food, but honestly there is always a part of us that is paying attention to our children. Keeping an ear out for what they are doing, keeping a side eye on what toys they are playing with, making sure that they aren’t destroying the house or hurting each other or getting into things they shouldn’t be into.

That alone, that divided attention, trying to do two things at once (keep the kids happy, and maybe cook some food, do some dishes) is exhausting by itself. And sometimes, being a mom is not the only thing we do. It may be the most important, but often times we are also wives, employees, business owners, or have some other commitment going on that we need to do.

Not only do we balance motherhood, partnership, work, we are also actively maintaining a living space and trying to take care of ourselves. Even with the help of our respective partners, it all adds up. And, at some point, we get tired. Not just physically tired, but emotionally and mentally worn out. We collapse in a pile in bed or on the couch and just lay there. We revel in the peace that is the house after the kids go to bed, the nightly chores are done, and there is a quiet that we haven’t heard all day long.

So yes, I was tired when I said that and yes, I did go to bed, but it wasn’t (and isn’t ever) a simple fix. It took a couple days for me to get out that “tired” feeling. A couple days of easy weekend-ing, having my whole little family together, and getting a blissful few hours kid free. That was what I really needed and when we started a new week, it felt as if I was back in action.

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“Don’t You Want A Little Girl”

***Disclaimer (although I feel crazy for having to even put this here): I know I could have had the same traits and such with a girl as with a boy. The relationship is different. I am pulling on my own relationship with my boys, as well as relationships with mothers as a daughter/in law. Instead of saying “but it’s a girl”, let’s just let the post be what it is.***

I hear the question: “Don’t you want a little girl?” or “Are you going to try and have that little girl”, way too many times. I was bless with two wild, rambunctious little boys that I wouldn’t trade anything in the world for. 

I’ve never felt that calling to have a little girl. Sure, I saw how sweet they could be and how I could have a little “mini me” in a little girl, but I never was the person who said I want/have to have a little girl. I always wanted boys for as long as I could remember. I always wanted to have that wild, adventurous, fearless spirit to raise and nurture. I wanted to have wrestling matches, to see them get dirty exploring their world, to feel that Mother/Son bond. To have the comradeship of brotherhood. 

D’Corzo Photography | http://www.dcorzo.com | 2018
D’Corzo Photography | http://www.dcorzo.com | 2018
D’Corzo Photography | http://www.dcorzo.com | 2018

I’ve read (and heard) the quote: “Little boys bring you to the brink of insanity before gently easing you off the edge with a sweet kiss and laughter from a perfectly timed fart” and I can assure you that that is completely accurate. I wouldn’t live life any other way. 

SO, no I don’t feel like I am missing anything by not having a daughter. No, I do not want to try for that little girl as I have exactly what I want now. I feel so incredibly complete between my husband and our two boys. Nothing can change that. 

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To My Little Bear on Your First Birthday…

Man the big first birthday. How have you already been in this world for a full year? Where has the time gone? More importantly, how have you grown so much in this short little period of time? It’s hard to believe that it’s been a year, but here we are. Celebrating your first birthday the way we do, just a small family moment. 

Over the past year I have seen you grow, watched you learn, discover, play, fall down and then promptly smile and get back up. I have watched you struggle with colds, with those darn teeth, and with getting a break from big brother (he sure does love you though). I have watched you learn how to roll, crawl, stand, and walk with assistance. You’ve found a love for food (you’re gonna eat us out of the house), laughing, music, and a special love for your big brother. 

You’re a reserved little guy at first, but will open up and just give the biggest, brightest smile. That smile that lights up your whole face and will make the whole world smile along with you. You’re laugh is infectious and while you may not totally share your brothers endless supply of energy (thankfully), you still are quite a firecracker. You are really starting to grow your own little personality and I can’t wait to see it shine through even more.

As I sit here trying to figure out what to make for your first birthday cake (and your first dose of sugar), I’ve been trying to think of a good way to put the first year of your life, but there are no words (well that’s a little strange considering that I’ve typed 249, wait 250 words now). What I mean is that this past year has been priceless. Every little moment with you has been incredible and you’ve brought so much joy into our little family.

Happy Birthday Andrew Gage. We love you so much. 

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The Case for Realness

Sometimes I feel like as Mom’s we feel like we have to spin either this everything is perfect facade or gosh this whole parenting gig is hard. And honestly, you’ll get judged either way you fall. On the “everything is perfect” side of things, you are told that it isn’t realistic or you’re not sharing everything. On the “everything is shit” side of things, you are told that you shouldn’t share those moments publicly, OR maybe you should realize just how lucky you are to have children. No matter what you share, you’ll be judged. 

So why do we try so hard to fall into one or the other? Why can’t we just all be real, 100% of the time? And why, if we all decide to be 100% real, can’t we all support each others choices?Why not put that judgement hat aside and just be a shoulder to lean on? And more importantly, why do we all put so much stock into what others think of us? We are all going through life and motherhood. What works for one, won’t work for all. 

I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t normally post or share about the harder times, not because they don’t happen, but because it is hard to get away from wanting to feel like we’ve got it all together. Because it can come across as not loving motherhood in some ways to some people. I love being a mom, am so blessed to have our two boys, and that doesn’t change because I share the hard moments (and we all have those hard moments). The temper tantrums. The days where it feels like all hell will truly break loose.

In our house, some days are like the first picture. Happy, perfect days where we all get along and things are just good. Some days are like the second picture, where it feels like a never ending thunder storm. Most days are a combination of both pictures with good moments and a couple of harder ones. And sure, I don’t LOVE the hard moments, sure on the days where it just feels like a never ending temper tantrum I may post about it, but I still LOVE being a mom. You can’t take the good with the bad and I know down the line, I’ll miss when the thing they cried about was not being able to pull apart two legos or wanting that extra piece of candy they couldn’t have. 

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To My Boys Who Made Me A Mom

To my boys who made me a mom-

I’m going to go all mushy and disorganized here for a minute-although what else is new?

Sure this day may be all about appreciating Mothers and all that they do, but I want to take a minute for the boys (and my husband) who actually made me a mother.

When we first found out I was pregnant with our first, there was a nervous excitement. This was what we had wanted. What we prayed for. What would change our lives forever. We experienced that same feeling (then followed by a whole lot of sickness) with our second.

While I may remember what life was like before kids, I can’t imagine our lives without these two. These boys are the lights of our lives. They have brought such a happiness to our family and home. Watching them grow and learn has been the greatest joy of my day to day.

I love you both so incredibly much (so much so, sometimes it hurts) and thank you for letting me be your mom. For giving me the ultimate blessing of motherhood. I will always be there and will always work hard to be the best mom I can be for you.

To my husband- I couldn’t do this without you. Aside from the obvious biological reasons, I couldn’t imagine raising these boys or living our little life we’ve made without you.

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Motherhood.

Your whole world changes. You hear the heartbeat on the Ultrasound. You feel those light little kicks in your belly. Those first few contractions and signs of labour. Hearing the cry of your child for the first time. All those months of growing, planning, preparing and suddenly there he is. That little boy that you had once dreamed of having. Tears slowly start to fall from a cocktail of hormones, relief, joy, love, exhaustion, and a little bit of pure happiness mixed in. I remember both of those moments like it was just one minute ago. I remember the moment when the boys went from being a movement in my belly to a baby on my chest. Each time my life (and my husband’s) drastically changed.

I would not change it for the world. 

Motherhood is giving your whole life, your whole being over to someone else. Each of my boys has a piece of me that I will never get back. I love that and I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. Not on the days that my patience is put to the test. Not on the days where I feel like I’ve failed them. Not on the days where I know I could give just a little bit more. Because that is Motherhood. 

I say all of the above, and now I’m going to say that Motherhood is not just taking care of your children. No, it is taking care of everything and everyone. Motherhood is becoming selfless in almost all senses. 

{I say almost because I still 100% believe that you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others and to do that you must be selfish at some points.}

It is taking care of your children, your home, your significant other, yourself. It is learning how to balance all that life has to offer, to not only survive, but thrive in. It is learning how to fill your cup up while filling up others as well. It is finding your voice and using it. It is becoming the strongest person that you (and your spouse/children) know. It is about finding the good moments even when it seems like everything is rough. It is all these things and many more. 

For all of that, I salute any mother. Right now, I say thank you. Thank you for everything that you do. 

There is something that just clicked when I became a mother. Everything fell into place and even though I struggled (and boy did I struggle with our first), I knew, inherently, that I was doing exactly what I was meant to be doing. I was blessed with these little boys; to raise them, guide them, be there for them. It’s only the second time I have felt this overwhelming true feeling. 

It’s scary as hell, knowing that you are responsible for these little beings. That they are wholly dependent on you for a time, and at times I sure have wondered if I’m doing everything right. I’ve had plenty of moments of questioning myself, feeling like I’ve failed at one aspect or another, but in those moments I just try to remember that this is what I’ve been meant to do. 

I firmly believe that we are given no more than what we can handle. That even when life and things seem so overwhelming, that we can handle it. So, we carry on and move forward. We put our heads down and get through the rough phases because we know, that not only can we handle it, but that the other side of this phase is going to be wonderful. We try to survive and thrive in the rough phases and sit back and enjoy the smooth phases. 

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How to Travel with Two Active Boys and a Dog…

Don’t. Haha, I kid I kid…maybe 😉

Seriously though this past weekend we took quite the drive and with two very active kids and an equally active dog, it was quite the adventure. I’m going to just keep referring to it as an adventure because that is the positive spin that I can put on what those 8 or so hours were. 

{Disclaimer: they weren’t actually all that bad. Only about 1 hour of it total was pushing our limits}

In all reality, it wasn’t the worst. We plugged a DVD player in for our oldest and while that wasn’t enough to keep him occupied, it did enough so that when he was starting to get fed up it was “minimal” and short lived. I totally get his frustration, because who likes to be cooped up in a car for a long period of time? Even if you like road trips, like the idea of jumping in a car and just going (which we do), it does get tedious after a while. It also is hard on your body and being in a carseat restrains the ability to stretch out or change position even more. 

For our younger son, it was the first time that he was really “alert” for a trip like this. The last time we took a road trip like this was Thanksgiving time period and he was a) still in the infant bucket car seat and b) still taking a decent amount of naps/less likely to be fussy with the lack of the ability to move around. For this trip, he is definitely more alert, more mobile, and more vocal in his “displeasure”. He still takes two good chunky naps though, so that was on our side. Honestly, overall he did really great! He just cruised along, snoozed when he wanted, cried out for toys or food, and just watched the dog settle, and the traffic go past. 

We did get out of the car for about 15 minutes or so when we only had a couple hours of driving time left. It seems like this is around the time that the boys are just completely fed up and done with carseats, the car, and traveling. Getting out, walking around, getting changed seems to always do the trick. We all get back in the car ready to get the last couple hours done. 

On the whole, it seems that this whole car ride bit is manageable for us and I feel much better about the next couple car rides we’ve got coming up this summer. 

So what I have I learned from our latest adventure? That going with the flow is really the majority of what you can do in these situations. Kids are more resilient than you think. And that even though moments may push your limits, looking at the bigger picture, knowing that there is an end, can be all you need to get through the rest. 

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Raising Boys Episode 1: What I Didn’t Fully Appreciate

When we found out we were expecting our first, and that it was going to be a boy, we were inundated with helpful little tips, tricks, and ideas on what our like would start to be like. Of course, we had both been around children before and had a general idea of what raising our little blessing(s) would be. Then when we were expecting our second boy, again, a new level of tips and tricks of what having multiple children (especially boys) would be like. 

Fast forward about 2.5-3 years and we have actual knowledge of what raising our little blessing(s) is like. For the most part the actuality followed along with what our general idea was, but there are a few things that I feel like I hadn’t fully understood, until we had two boys. I figured this would be a fun little way to talk about the partially unexpected things that I have discovered along the way. 

Now, a couple of things before we begin. You may have seen some of these before, but I’m going to repeat them because they are true (and I didn’t fully appreciate that fact). While most of these are my experience with raising two boys, I am not going to be talking about the whole concept of anatomy when it comes to boys. I haven’t fully encountered those situations yet so maybe I’ll talk about that in a later posting? I do not plan on this being a one off thing. I think it would be fun to do these every once in a while just to see how things change, how the boys grow, and how my take on this changes. 

I will also say that at the time of this 1st edition, my boys are 2 years (and a couple months change) and 10 months old. 

  1. The noise level is beyond your imagination. I thought I knew noise. I thought I understand noise. I didn’t. To be honest, I’m fairly positive that this is just a general kid thing, but holy moly we have a very loud house at this point in time. Maybe at some point, our oldest will stop running laps around the house yelling at the top of his lungs, and the main communication between both boys will not be screeching. Maybe. 
  2. The energy level is beyond my wildest dreams. Again, this is probably just a general kid thing, but I swear our oldest just has some hidden unlimited store. He could rival the Energizer Bunny. Nothing seems to put a dent in that hidden energy store. He will spend an hour just running laps through our upper level and be completely fine. Our younger one isn’t quite up to his level, but he is getting there as well. I am awaiting the day that we can start to put them in sports, because I think they will both love them and hopefully it will use up some of that energy!
  3. The “fear factor” is non existent. There is not a lot that phases or scares either of our boys. They just go full speed ahead to whatever, whether that is climbing on the couch or running down a hill or wrestling with each other (yes we’ve already entered the wrestling phase- ugh). The wrestling one is the one that I watch a little closer as our youngest is still a little young for all the craziness, but they both really love it. And again, no fear when it comes to any of it. This was a hard one for my momma heart to adjust to, but it just kind of comes with our territory. 
  4. The amount of love they have to give is incredible. Boys are seriously just the sweetest. They catch in those unsuspecting moments and just melt your heart away. I am continuously in awe watching the two of them bond and just give love not only to each other, or to us, but to everyone around them. Our oldest just smiles and talks to almost anyone (we are starting to work on the whole concept of strangers), and our youngest is starting to warm up to people. It just warms my soul. 

So that is what I’ve got for the first edition! Have there been any bits of advice that you got that you didn’t full appreciate until you had kids? I’d love to hear them!

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