Friday Morning Cups

5198051616_IMG_3835.JPGSo, I’ve never posted a picture like this. It’s not in my comfort range of things to share. My body isn’t perfect (hello DR stomach that will never be normal again), but I’m OK with it. I’ve had two sweet babies and my body has proved itself again and again.

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I’m constantly told that I’m so lucky to be the size that I am. That folks would love to be my size. If I could profit off of everybody that told me how lucky I am, how they wished for my size, what am I doing, how do I eat, and the worst- I must not eat anything at all (which as a recovering anorexic is just lovely to hear 🙄), I would be a rich person. I hear constantly that I shouldn’t complain about this or that because overall I’m petite.

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Let me tell you something- just because I’m a smaller size doesn’t mean anything. I’m a fairly confident person and don’t often have moments of insecurity, but there are times that I feel iffy about my body. I work out regularly, I make sure that I fuel my body appropriately (and that doesn’t mean I don’t eat popcorn or candy every once in a while), and I have been blessed with some good genes. I am well aware of my size and how that is viewed, but newsflash, I still have my moments.

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Body confidence, body positivity, body issues are across the board. It doesn’t matter what your size or shape is, everyone is entitled to (and will probably at some point) feel insecure. And when someone is feeling insecure, we shouldn’t invalidate their feelings by telling them they shouldn’t feel that way because guess what…insecurity hits everyone. We are all beautiful, but we all have our moments. Let’s recognize that, cut the crap comments, and be supportive.

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Friday Morning Cups

Every once in a while I will post something on Social Media that I want to have a longer “effect” of have be part of my archive with A Cuppa Cosy. It may even be something that I want to expand on and couldn’t within the constraints. 

Whenever I run into this situation, I will post them on here, on Friday mornings, titled Friday Morning Cups. Intended to be read (as all of my posts are) over a cup of coffee or tea and maybe, if you are so driven to, start a conversation if needed. Maybe not, Sometimes they will be fun and light hearted, other times a more serious tone. Either way, for whatever reason, I want to make a spot for this type of post. 

Here’s the “inaugural” post, from earlier this week. 

5160350240_IMG_2611In an effort to be completely open about my Eating Disorder…I’ve had this Garmin watch for 6 months and I had a Fitbit watch for about 2 years before that. I’ve always been a huge fan of fitness trackers and have really enjoyed being able to just kind of see where I am at with my exercise and my movement throughout the day. With where I was at in my recovery, I was still able to manage wearing a fitness tracker, see what all was going on, and be OK. 

Of late though I’ve noticed a shift in my thought process towards my Garmin. To be more clear, I’ve noticed a shift in my thought process as to what I was tracking with it. I noticed some old habits starting to creep back into my mind. Some old thoughts that I hadn’t heard in a few years. 

I noticed of recent how bad these thoughts had actually gotten. Funny how that realization often times doesn’t hit until it is full on in your brain. I am still over all in a good place in my recovery. I’ve not relapsed, but I have noted those thoughts. I will not let those thoughts win. I know where I am at in my life and, more importantly, I am HAPPY with where I am at. 

To expand…I am at my healthiest, my happiest, my most confident and self assured. I”ve never felt so good about myself and what I’m doing with my life. Even with all of that and feeling so incredible, the littlest of things can attach in my mind and start that spiral. 

This post is to show that there is no end. Recovery is on going and what may have been ok at one point, may not be ok anymore. Remember what those thoughts sound like and do not be afraid to break away from whatever is bringing those thoughts back into your mind. Even if that something is something that hasn’t been an issue before. 

For me- I’ll be saving this watch for when I workout. 

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Surprise…Time to be Vulnerable

I contemplated whether this was even going to be a post that I would share. I was shaky just typing this. So much so, that it wasn’t even on my radar, scheduled in my line up or anything. It was half written on my desktop just staring at me (or as much as a lifeless document in a lifeless computer can do so). You see, this is something that I’ve spoken to some people about or some people may have inferred this just from knowing me, but I don’t really speak on it publicly, so I would say 90% of the people who know me don’t know this about me.

I am incredibly good at hiding this part of me (after many many many years of practice now), so if you have no clue what I am about to talk about, don’t feel bad. I don’t speak about it for several reasons and honestly I don’t really know why I am now nor do I really know where/how this post will go. If you’re reading this, then well here we go.

Most of the posts that we see relating to our bodies is all about body positivity and loving ourselves just as we are- in fact I’ll be touching on these subjects this coming month as the spring and summer seasons near. I am 100% ok with the whole body positivity and body empowerment and am all about loving your body exactly as it is, BUT I feel really drawn to sharing a story about myself. I would feel fraudulent speaking in May about body image and such without sharing the whole story and I figured now was as good a time as any.

I have struggled with an Eating Disorder.

I Still do.

For me it started as a desire to control the one thing I felt I could control at a very toxic, dysfunctional, chaotic time of my life. The obsession with my body later came shortly after. At the time, I simply felt so wildly out of control in my regular day to day, that I needed something to have total control over. That became my food. It didn’t even matter what I was eating, as long as I could control when, how much, and have total say over every aspect I felt better. Some days I wouldn’t eat anything at all. Somewhere deep down I knew that it wasn’t right, but it felt so much better and that was all that mattered.

About 4 months or so in I noticed a change in my body. I had been working out here and there and controlling everything that I ate, some days not eating anything at all. The little bit of weight I had put on after stopping a rigorous athletic activity had come off and then some. That was when everything turned for the worse. I have a very light, thin frame and most people are probably reading saying: “C’mon another thin girl, you don’t put on weight, are always so small, etc”, but for me I instantly noticed when my body was slimmer, the hips shrunk down a little, my tummy firmed back up. My mind had put two and two together and that is when the obsession started to go further than simply just needing to control something in my life.

I would go up and down, going back and forth between not eating a lot to pigging out and then promptly working out like crazy. I tended to stay more on the side of either not eating or not eating anywhere near enough. Anorexia. I became a professional hider and would hide everything from everyone and would go to great lengths to appear “normal”. Family trips or vacations I would act and eat like any other person would and then “pay” for it later on after getting home. As long as I looked “normal”. This is one aspect that I still struggle with now when I am having hard days.

I was at my worst for about 2 years. It’s now 11 1/2 years from starting down that unhealthy road. I won’t get into all of the details of what works for me or how I started healing in this post because I feel like this is already a really long post as it is. What works for me may not work for anyone else. That is the nature of eating disorders. Also, what worked for me at my worst is different from what works for me now. I’m at a different point in my life so my recovery has altered with where I am at now.

While I am definitely at my healthiest now (both mentally and physically) and have been overall for a little over 7 years, I still have struggles all the time. Some days are much much worse than others, but I have an amazing support system around me (even if they don’t realize it) and I have the tools to deal with those days-which are more frequent than I truly care to admit. I know that this is going to be an ongoing journey and struggle and I am trying to be more open about it.

So that’s it. Feels weird getting to the end of this post. I’m sure this has just been all over the place. If you’ve read all the way through, thank you for reading.

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