***Warning- Language***
Boy oh boy. I haven’t done just a chatty post in a while, and I sure did pick a good day to just start typing away. It’s a Tuesday afternoon. I’ve finished work, and I’m now putting some touches on a couple of blog posts, responding to my own emails, and trying to get things sorted in the 20 minutes I get in between ending my work day and the boys waking up. My music is on and I’ve had a lot on my mind over the day. I figured I would sit down and kind of just word vomit for you. Lovely, huh?
Today was a test for me as a mother. As a person. It’s been a tough day. Not a breaking point one, no where near that, but a tough one none the less. I feel like there are days that you may not hit that breaking point, but are almost harder than if you were just to break.
Our older son is at 2.5 and for him, it is just a tough age to be in. They have so much that they desperately want to say, so much that they want to express and no understanding or comprehension of how to do that. They are just starting to understand the range of emotion and feelings that they can have and for him, my independent strong willed loving child, he feels those very strongly. A lot of times in our home, and many many others I’m sure, all these feelings get melded together into one of frustration and anger which then leads to tantrums. This can be just as frustrating (and grating) for the parent as it is for the child. Imagine there are two people trying to help each other who are not speaking the same language. It is similar to that and yet much harder.
All this to say that I struggle with the parent that I want to be and the parent that I am currently being today. I want to be the calm and collected parent who always sits down and talks through problems with her children. Who has that peaceful approach and can de escalate a situation without time outs, yelling, or a swift “go to your room”. Most days I am fairly good at being that parent. At being able to provide a combination of calm talking through problems and let’s go take a time out for a minute and calm down (without the anger of “go to your room”), but not today. Today I let myself down as a parent.
Not an hour into the day, our older son had his first meltdown. They continued all throughout the day and I don’t think we hit a “good” stride until after nap time. He really just threw me for a loop today and I found my self just wondering what to do. I yelled a couple of times. He went into time out a couple of times. I don’t like feeling frazzled, or like I am just continually losing my shit, and yet here I am looking back at how the day went and realizing that I just did lose my shit, over and over again.
Now let me be real about something, I know these days are going to come. Life is not sunshine and daisies, and parenting is not all the unicorns and rainbows in the world. It is hard, worth it, but hard. I know my son is probably not going to remember these moments, as they are few and far between. That doesn’t stop me from feeling like a turd nugget for yelling at him. I know that 2 is just a really hard age for children and parents alike. That doesn’t stop me from feeling like I’ve failed my children today. I say children because I feel as if I failed both of them. I was so thrown by my older son that it wore off on my parenting of my younger son, which I think I might even hate more than anything else.
So basically, today was a shit day, with shit feelings, and I am over it. I am ready for tomorrow to be better. For it to just be a new day, with a new start. To let go of today and the problems, take the lessons I’ve learned and go in with a fresh outlook for tomorrow. I can’t change today, but I can try for a better tomorrow.
(I know I wrote this on a Tuesday and it is being posted on a Friday. I can say that my Wednesday was much better and the rest of the week has gone swimmingly in the parenting realm 🙂 ).
“I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell” It’ll be quite silent around here as I am going to take a little break away from everything and really focus on family and our special little alone time together. We take about a week or so every year to just re connect, be away from everything, and just get back in tune with each other, with ourselves, and with the outdoors. I also don’t know if we will have wireless or not, which I’m very excited about. To be completely disconnected from the phone and technology is quite a thrilling concept for me. Don’t worry, I’ll be back soon and better than ever!
I’ve been trying to think of a good caption for this photo. One that would accurately represent all the things I want to say. Truth is…I don’t have that caption. I don’t have all of the words (and if I did it would make for a really long caption). What I do have is this: This was a shot from a few weeks ago. When I was overwhelmed. When everything just kept triggering. It was a rough night- Probably the roughest I’ve experienced yet as a mother. This is just one image of what being a survivor is. There are numerous smiling happy pictures to match our numerous smiling days. I’ve never shown this side (just like I’ve never spoken publicly about my past), the tough moments. The times when I’m curled up in a ball, just trying to breathe. Just acknowledging what is and what was. Being a survivor, healing, forgiving, moving forward doesn’t mean that all those memories, all those reactions and fears go away. Those are still (and always will be) very much there in your body and memory. And some days will look like this. Some days will bring you to your knees, but not all of the days. And as you continue to heal, continue to move forward those days will become fewer and fewer.
To anyone that’s reading this-this is important. Read on because I have a little story to share.
Thursday Morning: “Today is going to be a day that tries me and a day where I just have to keep reminding myself that I am enough. That I can handle what life will throw my way. That I’ve got this. Every once in a while we need to remind ourselves of that (whether it’s a bad day or not) and since I am needing that reminder today, I’m sharing it with you. You are enough. You can handle what is being thrown your way. You got this <3.”
In an effort to be completely open about my Eating Disorder…I’ve had this Garmin watch for 6 months and I had a Fitbit watch for about 2 years before that. I’ve always been a huge fan of fitness trackers and have really enjoyed being able to just kind of see where I am at with my exercise and my movement throughout the day. With where I was at in my recovery, I was still able to manage wearing a fitness tracker, see what all was going on, and be OK.
A Cuppa Cosy 