Disconnecting Myself

I’ve never been one that is constantly on Social Media and as I’ve grown in myself and older, I’ve realized that I’m not really one that likes to constantly be on the phone at all. It’s been something I’ve been noticing as I go through the different phases of enjoying the phone and Social Media and then the times when I seemingly just shut everything off/down. And actually, I really just long for the time before everyone had smart phones and Social Media was THE thing to be doing ALL THE TIME.

Lately I’ve been noticing that I have starting to be on my phone a little TOO much. Spending a little too much time paying attention to everything, being connected to everything and in this day and age, it can get to be…well a bit much. It all really came to a head a couple weeks ago when, at the end of a day, I sat back and realized I didn’t really do much. Most of my day had been spent scrolling through my phone. That may not be what my everyday is like, I had noticed that it was starting to become more and more prominent in my day.

So, I’m going to start disconnecting. Making a purposeful decision to not mindlessly scroll through Social Media or just mess around on the internet. Making a decision to put my phone down and not to just pick it back up a little bit later. To take a step back from the constant-ness of being connected all the time. To not ALWAYS be available right at the moment. 

There are things happening right now, happening in the present moment that I will never get back. I love being present with my family in every moment that I can and I’ve been realizing lately that even those times when I am multi tasking on my phone, I am missing out on these little moments. 

So, what does this mean, really? Nothing much of a change outwardly. I’ll be posting my regular amount on Social Media, but what I won’t be doing is just sitting around, mindlessly scrolling. It means that my phone will not be going everywhere with me and that I’m looking forward to that! 

I want to challenge myself to get back to where I was just a few short months ago, where I didn’t really feel the need to pull out my phone. I was not only more present, but I also had a clarity about my day. 

Between work and the bits that I do on the computer for my business and blog, I am on technology as much as it is. It’s time to disconnect. To get away from Social Media and Technology and get back into the real moments that make up life. 

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One Small Act

There used to be a commercial on TV (it may still be on- I’m not really sure) that had a whole sequence of people doing kind acts for each other. It went through and said so and so did this for so and so who then did this for so and so and on and on. It cycled through about 7 instances and after each, the person would smile and do an act of kindness for the next person who needed it. Seems like a common occurrence (or common decency) in our everyday, right?

Wrong.

I have to say, somewhere along the way of the past few years we’ve really lost our sense of kindness towards others. Our sense of compassion. 

Maybe it’s the state of the world we live in. Maybe it’s sensationalized news stories. Maybe we are all just too wrapped in ourselves, our lives, our things and our technology. I don’t know. All I know is I don’t see many of those little acts of kindness anymore. 

I’m tired of making excuses for this lack of kindness. It’s not something we do intentionally, but the rationalization that we give for poor behavior is insane. The whole “maybe they are just having a bad day” or “Well there is obviously more than meets the eye” is unacceptable. Maybe you are having a rotten day or something else is going on, but it doesn’t give an automatic get out of being kind card. 

I want to bring kindness and compassion back. I want to start seeing people pull away from their own lives and be drawn into the world. Stop and say hello to someone. Offer a seat. Come out of your own little bubble, your own life and look around you. Is someone in need of help? It could be as simple as holding a door, or offering directions. It may be more complex. Whatever it may be, that person will remember and thank you for the kindness you showed. That may have been all they needed to put a smile on their face. Or, they may not appreciate it at all. They may grumble and just move on. Honestly it shouldn’t matter what their reaction will be. In the end, you will feel better and more connected to what is going on around you.

I want to challenge you to find a couple ways to show kindness (and compassion) in your everyday. I know I will be. 

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A Peak Into My Past

I have never shared this story publicly. I have never talked about this part of my past with anyone, outside of a couple of close friends and family. All of my healing has been done privately, in and out of therapy. Figuring out what works for me and how I would even begin to piece my life back together after the rug was pulled out from under me almost 16 years ago. I’ve finally reached a peaceful place in my life, partly due to finding love in someone else, partly finding the ability to love myself. The biggest part of my peace being the forgiveness I have given. 

Finding the peace within myself has allowed me to reach a point where I want to talk with and help others. When I first entered therapy I had sworn that once I had made my own peace, I would help others in any way that I could. I thought it would be something that I could do within a little bit of time and then I could get to helping others and speaking about this trauma that simply isn’t spoken about. Here I am 12 years later, only just now feeling like I can share this story. Only just now feeling that peace, that urge to share, and finally being comfortable enough to share. Finally at the point where I really feel like I can help others. Help them find their healing, help them see the light at the end of the tunnel. To be that person that I needed.

I’ll get into more of that at another time, but I want to give you my story. I want to publicly share the part of my past that I’ve never shared before. You may have read this already, if you read the linked article in Friday’s post, but I wanted to address it here. Directly on my blog. So, here we go…IMG_4702

I was emotionally abused for 10+ Years and physically abused everyday for 7 of those years (everyday for 5, off and on for 2) by a parent. The person who was supposed to be my guide, my champion, supposed to be everything, was instead my tormentor. I went through my childhood with the expectation of perfection placed on me (and criticized, put down, insulted if not) and my adolescent years with an unthinkable amount of fear. Child abuse is not just being scared, it is a traumatic event that changes everything. Everything about you, everything about your life, and everything about everyone you come into contact with. 

Before I even had the opportunity to have a voice, it was taken away from me. Before I could even understand what was truly right and wrong, what I wanted to be or do, what true happiness could be, I knew what fear was. Not just being scared of something, but true fear. True terror. In some ways I can’t put to words what I was feeling, but in other ways it is crystal clear. 

As I said to start this post, I have reached a good space. A space where I can handle the tough moments, when all of those emotions, fears, and moments come back. I feel like I am at that light at the end of the tunnel, when you know that the tunnel is coming to an end, but there is still a bit of darkness. It has been a long and tough road to get here, and it is a road that will continue for the rest of my life. I have also recognized that having gone through this, having worked through it, and having come out on the other side, I am a better person for that. I am a better wife, mom, a better person all together. 

I want to end this by saying that I will be starting to talk more about trauma, child abuse, and dealing with both of these factors a little more frequently on my blog. There will still be plenty of my usual happy go lucky content (as I am that happy go lucky, keep all things cosy, find the silver lining kinda girl), but I want to start sharing more of my story. I find that Childhood Trauma and Abuse is a topic that doesn’t seem to get enough attention (unless it is a major event) and it is something that is more common than we think. 

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Real Talk: So, Why Do We Care?

I’ve spoken about confidence and how we grow into ourselves and in turn our self confidence grows. During that (I called it) ramble (which you can read HERE and HERE), I mentioned that with confidence, you hit a point that you just stop caring about what others think of you. Because honestly, while the two may not always be linked, that is a big part of confidence. Being so confident in yourself that you do not care what others think of you. 

So, why do we care? Why is what other people think of us so important to us? You can’t please everyone and not everyone is going to like you. Even those who do like you, may not like some of the things that you do/say. Why do we put so much stock in that?

When you think about what others think of you, you give them power over you. You allow them to control how you live your life. You allow them to change what you say or believe. You allow someone (often times a complete stranger) to personally affect you to your core. 

Why would you want to let someone else have control over your life? You are giving someone else power over you. Power to influence you, to change you in a way that you may not want. We all grow and change, but the important thing is that we are doing that because WE want to, not because someone made a mean comment. 

This may sound dramatic, but even something as simple as changing your outfit because you think someone may say something about it. Allowing what others MIGHT think about you, change anything about you is failing yourself. It is selling yourself short.

Similar to this is not speaking up when you want to say something, or saying things that you may not believe to please others. 

If you are having second thoughts about something, it is important to determine why you are having second thoughts. Are you having those thoughts because you are worried about what others will say? Are you having them because you yourself are not sure? This difference is key because it lets you know whether you are making the change because you want it, not because of what some other random person may say.

We can be so impressionable at times, especially in areas where we may feel even more vulnerable, and it is important to remember who you are. 

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A Ramble on: Confidence

Ever see those people who seemingly just don’t care what people think? Who go about life so self assured and comfortable with who they are? Wonder what they were doing to get to that point?

They weren’t always that way. 

Confidence is something that is gained as you grow into yourself. And as you face new experiences, new life moments, new risks you grow more confident in yourself. And better yet, those people that you think are just so self confident, still have moments of insecurity. You can also be confident in some areas of your life, and not so confident in other areas. You can be solid in yourself, but maybe a new change has happened to cause that confidence to waver.

Sometimes it just takes some time to get to (or get back to) that moment of “I know who I am, I know what I believe, and who cares what others think of me”. Because with confidence comes a freeing moment of not caring. Of letting go of what others think of you. Of saying, who gives a damn.

For me, I started to feel really good about myself just after High School (aka just as I fully hit my stride in recovery). I thought I knew what I wanted in life, how I was going to achieve what I wanted, and who I was. I met my husband, and things really started to click in place even more. Then we had our first boy. While something in me clicked when I became a mother, my confidence in myself was still a little shaken. My confidence in my ability to do everything that I wanted to do. To be a good wife, a good mom, a good person. To manage all the things. 

Then, I hit my stride again and became confident as a new mom. I got everything down and my confidence was on the upswing and we had our second boy. Instead of my confidence wavering, I knew. I believe in myself. I was confident in myself, my choices, in every aspect relating to being myself. 

Something to remember: Even when you have that self confidence, when you have that process of letting go what people think of you, there are still moments. Moments where you question yourself. Moments where you wonder, what do people think about you. 

But trust in the process. Trust in yourself. Trust in the fact that when you get through whatever has caused that wavering, that that will just be one more thing to have overcome. You’ll come out the other end more confident and having learned something new about yourself. 

I’m glad that I can say that I am finally, 100%, at that point. I have found my voice. I have found the confidence in myself, in what I believe, in what I am doing that I can say that there is not much that can tear me down. That took a lot of work to get to and you better believe I am not letting go of that any time soon. Do I still have moments of weakness, of caring what people think of me? Kind of. It’s hard for me to say that I will never question myself, but I have reached a point in my life where there are just so many other things to do and think about.

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A Ramble On: Growth and Change

I’ve grown a lot in the past 5-10 years. Grown into myself, grown into my voice, grown into my niche spot of where I want to be. My confidence has soared and I’ve learned countless lessons. I am not the same person I was and I wouldn’t change that person OR this person. I had to be that person, go through life & changes to become the person that I am today. Some of those changes were hard. I stumbled a time or two, but here I am, all the better for it. 

Who I am today will not be the same person who I am in another 5-10 years. We are always changing as we go through life. As we keep learning and keep facing new challenges. That change is a good thing. I welcome the new opinions, the new goals and desires, the new conversations that I am experiencing. While the core of who I am has stayed mostly the same, my opinions, my outlook, my desires in life, and the way I see people and the world has changed. In fact, I am only just now finding my real voice and figuring out how I want to use it. 

As I continue to grow as a person, I don’t want to stay “stuck” in my same ways or mindset. I want to learn from every new experience and situation. I want to seek out new opinions, one’s that may be different from my own and have new experiences across the board. I may know who I am, but that doesn’t mean that there won’t be changes throughout my life. 

I don’t want to remain stagnant. 

I encourage you to do the same. You are always growing and changing; Experiencing life, turning into someone new. You are turning into the person that you are meant to be. Welcome that change and those new experiences. Seek them out. Get out. Out of yourself, out of your comfort zone. Have a new experience, talk to someone who had a different life than your own, who has different opinions than your own. Try to understand and see things through their lenses. 

Keep an open heart and an open mind. Don’t be stagnant. Grow. Learn. Change. Love every minute of it, even when it’s hard. 

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It’s Just My $0.02

This topic has been something that has been weighing heavily on me and to be honest, is not one that I really thought I would add my voice to. However, I feel like I have a duty to throw my perspective to the wind and share my thoughts. It’s also ironic timing as quite a few of the posts I’ve got coming up are about not caring about what others think, but I’ve got to get this out of my system. 

As a woman I’m always happy to see other women succeeding at what they choose to do. Whether that be take on a major company, a high up the chain job, or simply run the household. Women are a force to be reckoned with and I certainly feel that we can, and do, whatever we put our minds to do. 

I’ve been supportive of the drive of any person to do what their heart desires. I love that we all have a choice to do what we want to do, and if no one has done that before, we become the first to do it. I LOVE seeing this in my friends and in people that I don’t even necessarily know.

Let me be clear about something, I have a part time job, my own business, and my family. I work very hard at my job and my business, but I make a choice to be home with my children and to work around their needs. I have tweaked my days to perfection to allow for this and I am very proud of the fact that I am a Wife and Mom above all else. I choose to take care of our home and my husband and children. 

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with this CHOICE. I would not judge another who decided that they wanted to work full time and have a career. That is a CHOICE. And how incredible it is that we can make that choice.

With my mindset being supportive of others in their dreams and desires, no matter what my personal dreams and desires are (because we are all different and want different things), I cannot believe the comments I have gotten in my personal life in regards to my choice. 

I am not any less proud to be a woman, or of the other achievements of women, simply because I am not breaking glass ceilings in the workplace. Because I enjoy cleaning the house, or making dinner for my husband. I also enjoy the work that I do everyday in my job and my business. I find fulfillment in every aspect of my life. 

Here’s a little food for thought to put things in perspective, while you are kicking ass in your job, or your career, or whatever it is that you’re doing, I am kicking ass in my home. In my job. In my business. As long as we are doing what we love, why does it matter?

Why should we look at a woman any less for CHOOSING or WANTING to stay home? With that same thought process, why should we look at a woman any less for CHOOSING or WANTING to go work? To break those barriers? It doesn’t make her any less than anyone else, nor does it mean that she is not supportive of other women breaking barriers. 

Let’s be real, the world isn’t going to move forward if we don’t have both types of women, so why don’t we all get off our high horses and move forward with supporting each other? We are all going through life, one of us is not “better” than the other and honestly, we could probably accomplish a hell of a lot more if we remembered that.

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Real Talk: Identity

identity

noun iden·ti·ty \ ī-ˈden-tə-tē , ə- , -ˈde-nə- \

1

a : sameness of essential or generic character in different instances

b : sameness in all that constitutes the objective reality of a thing : oneness

2

a : the distinguishing character or personality of an individual : individuality

b : the relation established by psychological identification

Who are you? What do you believe? What drives you forward?

Those may seem like daunting questions, especially if you don’t know the answer, but they are important to find out for yourself. There is a place for everyone in this world, you just have to find your space. Where you want to grow within yourself and as a part of your community. Where you feel that calling to be. All three of the above questions tie together to make up your core. From your core, you can make changes, you can make a difference in your life and others.

So, how do you figure out what your identity is? You live your life. From a very young age we start to figure out our likes and dislikes. We fall in love with places, things, ideas. We develop opinions and (hopefully) get into conversations with others about our opinions. We are exposed to new situations, constantly learning through each new problem, conversation, or experience. And slowly, through all of these, we start to get the groundwork for who we want to be. What we believe. What we want to do with our lives. In some cases we develop a strong case of identity very early on, but in most cases it takes until our mid 20’s before we really have a strong self of sense. 

While you may have a strong sense of self and have figured out who you are, it’s important to remember that we are constantly evolving and changing. Our identity shifts with new life changes and experiences. And who you were, may not be who you will be. I’ll expand on this in another post, but I wanted to touch on it. 

I think it is really important to know who you are as an individual, but I also recognize that it takes time to know that and that person can change throughout time. 

So, who am I? I’m Mia, a kick ass woman, wife, mom and friend. I believe that everyone is born to do great things, on always trying to find that silver lining, and making sure to take care of yourself. I find joy in the little everyday moments and in cosy nights at home with my husband in children. 

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The Case for Realness

Sometimes I feel like as Mom’s we feel like we have to spin either this everything is perfect facade or gosh this whole parenting gig is hard. And honestly, you’ll get judged either way you fall. On the “everything is perfect” side of things, you are told that it isn’t realistic or you’re not sharing everything. On the “everything is shit” side of things, you are told that you shouldn’t share those moments publicly, OR maybe you should realize just how lucky you are to have children. No matter what you share, you’ll be judged. 

So why do we try so hard to fall into one or the other? Why can’t we just all be real, 100% of the time? And why, if we all decide to be 100% real, can’t we all support each others choices?Why not put that judgement hat aside and just be a shoulder to lean on? And more importantly, why do we all put so much stock into what others think of us? We are all going through life and motherhood. What works for one, won’t work for all. 

I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t normally post or share about the harder times, not because they don’t happen, but because it is hard to get away from wanting to feel like we’ve got it all together. Because it can come across as not loving motherhood in some ways to some people. I love being a mom, am so blessed to have our two boys, and that doesn’t change because I share the hard moments (and we all have those hard moments). The temper tantrums. The days where it feels like all hell will truly break loose.

In our house, some days are like the first picture. Happy, perfect days where we all get along and things are just good. Some days are like the second picture, where it feels like a never ending thunder storm. Most days are a combination of both pictures with good moments and a couple of harder ones. And sure, I don’t LOVE the hard moments, sure on the days where it just feels like a never ending temper tantrum I may post about it, but I still LOVE being a mom. You can’t take the good with the bad and I know down the line, I’ll miss when the thing they cried about was not being able to pull apart two legos or wanting that extra piece of candy they couldn’t have. 

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Friday Morning Cups

IMG_5577Thursday Morning: “Today is going to be a day that tries me and a day where I just have to keep reminding myself that I am enough. That I can handle what life will throw my way. That I’ve got this. Every once in a while we need to remind ourselves of that (whether it’s a bad day or not) and since I am needing that reminder today, I’m sharing it with you. You are enough. You can handle what is being thrown your way. You got this <3.”

A little backstory- for the past few days our older son has been waking up earlier and earlier. He is so “easy” in the morning (just give him a little drink and he will quietly play until breakfast), so I wouldn’t normally have any issues. These past couple days though, you can tell the whole getting less and less sleep has started to take its tole on him. You can tell that he just hasn’t been getting enough sleep, but he won’t go back to bed.

Thursday was kind of my breaking point because as soon as breakfast came along the whining started. The whining subsequently turned into a full blown temper tantrum. It’s hard because he doesn’t have the words or knowledge to truly VOICE the problem and the only way to really help him is to just be that calming presence. THAT is HARD though and when it is the end of a long day, where that has been the role to play over and over and over again, it gets hard.

So, I needed to take a moment. To re center. To remember that I can do this. That I am enough and further, I am exactly the parent that my child needs.

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